Morena Baccarin - Deadpool ScriptSong Rating: 9.83/10
CUT TO: TAXI
Deadpool sits in the back of a taxi cab. He takes a pamphlet for ‘Haunted Segway Tours, folds it up, and puts it in his pocket. He plays with the window. He puts his finger in some gum on the ceiling. He tries flicking it off, but it ends up on the camera lense. He picks it off. Cut to the taxi driver. Suddenly, Deadpool sticks his head up front.
DEADPOOL: Kinda lonesome back here.
He begins climbing up into the pa**enger seat, grunting.
DEADPOOL: Little help?
DOPINDER: Sir, I have to keep my hands on the wheel.
DEADPOOL: Excuse me.
He finishes climbing into the seat and rights himself. The cabbie extends his hand.
DEADPOOL: Pool. Dead.
They shake hands. Deadpool notices a picture of a woman on Dopinders dashboard.
DEADPOOL: Mmm. Nice.
DOPINDER: Smells good, no?
DEADPOOL: Not the Daffodil Daydream. The girl.
DOPINDER: Ah, yes. Gita. She is quite lovely. She would have made me a very agreeable wife, but, um… Gitas heart has been stolen by my cousin Bantu. He is as dishonorable as he is attractive.
DEADPOOL: Dopinder, Im starting to think theres a reason Im in this cab today.
DOPINDER: Yes, sir, you called for it, remember?
DEADPOOL: No, my slender, brown friend. Love is a beautiful thing. When you find it, the whole world tastes like Daffodil Daydream.
DEADPOOL: So you gotta hold onto love. Tight!
Deadpool makes a fist. Dopinder copies him.
DEADPOOL: And never let go. Dont make the same mistakes I did. Got it?
DEADPOOL: Or else the whole world tastes like Mama June after hot yoga.
DOPINDER: Sir, what does Miss Mama June taste like?
DEADPOOL: Like two hobos f**ing in a shoe filled with piss.
DOPINDER: Okay, stop.
DEADPOOL: I can go all day, Dopinder. The point is, its bad.
DOPINDER: Its bad. Uh, why the fancy red suit Mr. Pool?
DEADPOOL: Oh, thats because its Christmas Day, Dopinder. And Im after someone on my naughty list. Ive been waiting one year, three weeks, six days, and oh…
He checks his Adventure Time watch.
DEADPOOL: Fourteen minutes to make him fix what he did to me.
DOPINDER: And what did he do to you?
DEADPOOL: This sh**.
Deadpool lifts up his mask, revealing his horribly scarred face.
CUT TO: AIRPORT RUNWAY
Francis sits on top of a crate. A helicopter lands a few yards away. Some men get off. One in particular approaches him. Francis smiles and taps on a crate, standing up.
FRANCIS: They wont disappoint.
MAN: They better not. What about next months shipment?
FRANCIS: There wont be one. Youre not the only one with a war to win.
MAN: That wont do.
FRANCIS: See, weve had this small disruption to our supply chain.
Francis grabs the man by the throat and lifts him into the air.
FRANCIS: Wed appreciate your patience.
FRANCIS: Well deliver in full the following month.
Francis drops the man, who chokes a little.
FRANCIS: Pleasure doing business with you.
He walks away. He and his men leave.
MAN: f**ing mutant.
Some men grab the crates. Franciss convoy drives off.
CUT TO: TAXI
Deadpool begins patting his costume, looking for something. He looks in the backseat.
DEADPOOL: Aw, sh**! I forgot my ammo bag!
DOPINDER: Shall we turn back?
DEADPOOL: Nope, no time. f** it. I got this. Nine, ten, eleven, twelve bullets, or bust. Were here!
Dopinder slams on the breaks. Theyre on the middle of a bridge over a highway.
DOPINDER: Thats uh, twenty seven fifty.
DEADPOOL: I, I never carry a wallet while Im working. Ruins the lines of my suit.
DEADPOOL: But, uh, how ‘bout a crisp high-five!
DEADPOOL: Merry Christmas.
DOPINDER: And a convival Tuesday in April to you too, Mr. Pool!
Deadpool gets out of the cab. Cut to him sitting on the side of the bridge. Hes listening to music and coloring a picture with crayons. Deadpool sings along. We see that the picture hes drawing is him shooting Francis in the head. He then turns his head to the camera.
DEADPOOL: Wha- Oh! Oh, hello. I know, right? Whos balls did I have to fondle to get my very own movie? I cant tell you, but it does rhyme with Pullverine. And let me tell you; (In an Australian accent) hes got a nice pair of smooth criminals down under. Anyway, I got places to be, a face to fix, and - oh! Bad guys to k**.
Deadpool spots Franciss convoy.
DEADPOOL: Maximum effort.
He walks off of the side of the bridge, landing in one of the cars in the convoy. He beats all of the men in the car, sending one flying out the back, and barely holding on. Deadpool laughs at him. One of the men takes his head and slams it into a car seat.
DEADPOOL: Rich, corinthian leather.
He beats the man holding him down and snaps his neck.
DEADPOOL: Im looking for Francis. Have you seen this man?
He holds up his crayon drawing. The man repeatedly shoves Deadpools head into the car radio, changing the channel. Someone rides up on a motorcycle next to the car. They fire into the car indiscriminately, k**ing everyone but Deadpool and the driver. Deadpool kicks the door open, sending the person on the motorcycle flying. The guy holding on to the back of the car starts to pull himself up. Deadpool holds the gas pedal down, and they crash into the car in front of them. Deadpool places both of the men in headlocks. He takes out the cigarette lighter, brands one of the mens foreheads, and shoves it into the mans mouth, holding his jaw shut.
DEADPOOL: Ive never said this, but dont swallow.
Another car pulls up beside them. Inside, men are prepared to shoot. Deadpool swerves the car, causing it to flip and crash. In front of the car, a man on a motorcycle begins shooting. As the car flips, Deadpool grabs the man on the motorcycle by the waist, pulling him into the spinning wreck. Everything slows down for a moment.
DEADPOOL: sh**. Did I leave the stove on?
Everything returns to normal speed. A chain slices the bikers head off. Another man is sent flying, crashing into a highway sign. Bodies fall out of the car. Finally, the car comes to a stop.
CUT TO: THE X-MANSION
Wide shot of the mansion.
REPORTER: Now, breaking news: A multi car collision turns shots fired on the crosstown expressway this morning. Gridlock has kept police from the scene.
Cut to the kitchen. Colossus is eating cereal and watching the news.
REPORTER: Residents are advised to remain in their homes the a**ailant appears to be armed, dangerous, and wearing a red suit.
COLOSSUS: Red suit.
He slams his hands on the table, and stands up.
COLOSSUS: Deadpool. Negasonic! Come. We have mission.
Cut to elsewhere in the mansion. Colossus and Negasonic approach a door, which opens automatically.
NEGASONIC: Colossus, wait up.
They approach a plane in the hangar.
COLOSSUS: Ive given Deadpool every chance to join us. But hed rather act like a child. A heavily armed child. When will he grow up and see benefits of becoming X-man?
NEGASONIC: Which benefits, the matching unitards? The house that blows up every few years?
COLOSSUS: Please. House blowing up builds character. You ate breakfast, yes? Breakfast is most important meal of day. Here. Protein bar. Good for bones.
He hands her a protein bar.
COLOSSUS: Deadpool may try to break yours.
The plane takes off from the mansion.
CUT TO: HIGHWAY
A number of men get out of their cars with guns and approach the car that Deadpool is in. He rolls down the window and pops his head up.
DEADPOOL: Hey! Oh!
The men begin shooting at him. He puts his dead back down. After a moment they stop. Some of them exchange glances and they all approach the car. Deadpool throws his hands up.
DEADPOOL: Wait! You may be wondering, why the red suit? Well, thats so bad guys cant see me bleed. This guys got the right idea.
Deadpool points to one of the men.
DEADPOOL: He wore the brown pants.
The man shoots at the car for a moment. Deadpool puts his hands down.
DEADPOOL: Fine! I only have twelve bullets, so youre going to have to share. Lets count ‘em down.
He jumps into the air, quickly firing off two shots. The casings say 12 and 11. Two men get shot in the head. The men begin shooting again. One rides past on a motorcycle, shooting as he goes. Deadpool looks down at his arm.
He holds his arm up, revealing a bullet hole going straight through. Through the hole, he sees the motorcycle coming back.
DEADPOOL: Mother f**er! Ten. (He shoots and misses). sh**! Nine. (He shoots and misses). f**! Eight. (He shoots and misses). sh** f**!
He leaps over the car and takes aim, but loses his chance at a good shot.
DEADPOOL: Bad Deadpool.
He notices one of the men sneaking around the car, unaware that Deadpool is no longer there. Deadpool shoots him in the head.
DEADPOOL: Seven. Good Deadpool.
Another man begins shooting at him. Deadpool hides behind a car. The man reloads. The man shoots some more, then jumps on top of the car to find Deadpool seductively posed. He tries to shoot, but his gun just clicks.
DEADPOOL: Someones not counting.
He shoots the man in the head.
A pair of men approaches. One begins to throw a grenade. Deadpool shoots it while its still in the mans hand, causing it to explode and k** both men. The bullet casing says five on it. Deadpool does a celebratory dance. Someone sneaks up behind him and shoots him. Deadpool lies on the ground, pretending to be dead. The man approaches.
He shoots the man from between his legs. He gets up, groaning.
DEADPOOL: Ah! Right up main street.
He walks up to the man he just shot and shoots him twice.
DEADPOOL Three! Two! Stupid! Worth it.
Some more men begin shooting at him. He ducks behind another car. Three men approach. Deadpool jumps over the car and shoots a single bullet, which goes through all three of their heads. The casing says one. Deadpool smells the smoke from his guns.
DEADPOOL: Ooh. Im touching myself tonight.
Deadpool begins prancing through the wreckage and bodies.
DEADPOOL: Francis! Francis!
He searches one of the cars.
DEADPOOL: What the sh** biscuit! Where you at, Francis?
Behind him, one of the men he shot gets up.
DEADPOOL: Ugh. Youre not Francis.
Rather than k**ing him, the bullet is just lodged in his forehead. He pulls it out and rolls up his sleeves.
DEADPOOL: Really? Rolling up the sleeves?
The man pulls out some knives and charges Deadpool. Deadpool takes out his swords and skewers the man. Everything slows down to a stop.
DEADPOOL: (Narrating) Youre probably thinking, ‘My boyfriend said this was a superhero movie, but this guy in the red suit just turned that other guy into a f**ing kebab. Well, I may be super, but I am no hero. And yeah, technically, this is a murder. But some of the best love stories start with a murder. And thats exactly what this is. A love story. And to tell it right, I gotta take you back to way before I squeezed this a** into red spandex.
CUT TO: APARTMENT, TWO YEARS AGO
MERCHANT: Look, what if I slow it down for you? I didnt order the pizza.
JEREMY: Is this 7348 Red Ledge Drive? Are you Mr. Merchant?
MERCHANT: Yeah, the Mr. Merchant, who didnt order the f**ing pie!
JEREMY: Then who placed the call?
Wade Wilson calls out from the bathroom.
WADE: I did. Pineapple and olive? Sweet and salty.
The delivery boy hands the pizza to Wade.
MERCHANT: f** are you? The f** you doing in my crib?
Wade pulls out a gun. Merchant backs off.
WADE: Is it bread crust?
JEREMY: Oh, God, I hope not.
MERCHANT: Woah, man, look. If this is about that poker game, I told him, I told Howie that uh… Just uh, just take whatever you want.
Merchant hands Wade his wallet.
JEREMY: Sir, before you do anything to him, mind if I get a big tip?
WADE: Jeremy, is it? Wade Wilson. That is ah, a no go on the tiperoo, Jer. Im not here for him. Im here for you.
MERCHANT: Oh, hey, wow, dodged a big time bullet on that one!
WADE: Youre not out of the woods yet. You need to seriously ease-up on the bedazzling. Theyre jeans, not a chandelier. P.S., I am keeping your wallet. You did kind of give it to me.
MERCHANT: Hey, look man, can I just have my Sams Card -
WADE: I will shoot your f**ing cat.
MERCHANT: I dont even know what that means. I dont have a cat.
WADE: Then whos kitty litter did I just sh** in?
No one says anything for a moment.
WADE: Anywho, tell me something, what situation isnt improved by pizza? Do you happen to know a Megan, Orflowsky? Orlavsky? Orlovsky? Am I getting that right?
He eats a slice of pizza.
WADE: Cause she knows you. Jeremy, I belong to a group of guys who take a dime to beat a fella down.
Wade hands a piece of pizza to Merchant, who reaches for it, but Wade drops it on the floor.
WADE: And Megan, shes not made of money, but lucky for her, I got a soft spot.
JEREMY: Im, uh…
WADE: A stalker. Threats hurt, Jer. But not nearly as much as serrated steel. So keep away from Megan. Cool?
JEREMY: Yes, sir.
WADE: Kay, were cool.
JEREMY: Wait, we are?
WADE: Yeah, totally done.
They all start laughing. Wade points to Merchant.
WADE: You should have seen your face!
MERCHANT: I didnt know what to do. I was so scared.
WADE: Soft spot, remember?
Suddenly, Wade takes Jeremy by the neck and throws him up against the wall.
WADE: Read a book in her general direction again, and you will learn in the worst of ways that I have some hard spots too. That came out wrong. Or did it?
Wade gently kisses Jeremys cheek. Jeremy whimpers.
CUT TO: SKATE PARK
A bunch of teenagers are hanging out at a skate park. Wade arrives and walks towards a group of girls, point to one of them.
He throws down a pizza box and some photos of him holding a gun to Jeremy.
WADE: Youve heard the last of Jeremy. Hes sorry.
MEGAN: No friggin way!
DEADPOOL: Shoulda brought my roller blades, show these kids how its done.
Megan hugs him.
DEADPOOL: And thats why we do it. But mostly the money.
GIRL: Think you could f** up my step-dad?
DEADPOOL: If I give a guy a pavement facial, its cause hes earned it.
He begins to leave.
MEGAN: Hey, wait! Youre my hero.
DEADPOOL: No, no, no, no, no. That I aint.
CUT TO: SIDEWALK
Wade walks on a sidewalk. As a man walks past him, Wade hits him in the nuts.
WADE: (Narrating) Nope. Never will be.
MAN: f** you, Wade.
WADE: (Narrating) Im just a bad guy who gets paid to f**-up worse guys.
He enters a building.
WADE: (Narrating) Welcome to Sister Margarets. Its like a job fair for mercenaries. Think of us like really f**ed up tooth fairies, except we knock out the teeth and take the cash. You best hope we never see your name on a gold card.
Wade enters a bar. He greets a few men as he walks over to the bartender.
WEASEL: Wade Wilson. Patron saint of the pitiful What can I do for you?
WADE: Id love a blowjob.
WEASEL: Oh God, me too.
WADE: The drink, moose knuckle. But first…
Wade takes out a gold card and places it on the bar. Weasel takes it.
WADE: And I aint taking any babysitting money, alright? Make sure that gets back to Miss, uh…
WEASEL: You sure?
WEASEL: You know, for a merc, youre pretty warm-blooded. I bet you let the kid of easy, too.
WADE: Oh, hes not a bad kid, hes… Just a little light stalking. I was way worse than him when I was his age. I was traveling to exotic places. Baghdad, Mogadishu, Jacksonville. Meeting new and exciting people.
WEASEL: And k**ing them, yeah. Ive seen your instagram. So what was special forces doing in Jacksonville?
WADE: Thats cla**ified. They have wonderful T.G.I. Fridays.
WEASEL: Alright, Kalua, Baileys, and whipped cream. I give you: A Blowjob. Ah, why did you make me make that?
Wade gets the attention of one of the waitresses.
WADE: Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. Could you bring that over to Bob, please? And tell him its from Buck.
WEASEL: Remind me what good will come of this?
WADE: I dont take the sh**s, I just disturb them.
Suddenly, theres a commotion. One of the mercs punches another in the face. A fight breaks out. Wade and Weasel clink gla**es.
WADE: Cheers. To your health.
WEASEL: f** you.
One of the mercs picks up a stool.
WEASEL: Thats a new stool
The man breaks the stool over another mans back.One of the mercs gets the better of the other and knocks him to the floor.
MERC: Stay the f** down.
Weasel walks over.
WEASEL: Alright, move. Move, move, move, move.
He holds a mirror up to the face of the merc on the ground.
WEASEL: Yup. Still breathing.
Many of the people in the bar groan.
WEASEL: Nobody wins today. Nice try, Wade.
WADE: You got me. I picked Boothe in the dead pool. Whod you pick?
WEASEL: You know, Wade, uh, um…
WADE: No… You did not bet on me to die.
He looks up at a chalkboard above the bar that has all of the information for the dead pool.
WADE: You bet on me to die. Wow. Mother f**er, youre the worlds worst friend. But jokes on you. Im living to 102, and then moving to the city of Detroit.
WEASEL: Im sorry, I just wanted to win money. I never win anything.
WADE: Oh, whatever. Soldiers of fortune, drinks on me!
Everyone in the bar cheers and raises their gla**es to Wade.
WEASEL: Domestic! Nothing imported.
A woman approaches Wade.
VANESSA: Woah, woah, woah, woah, baby. You sure you wanna shoot your full wad?
WADE: Uh… Tight.
WADE: Wade. Whats a nice place like you doing in a girl like this?
One of the other mercs slaps her a**.
MERC: Id hit that.
WADE: Youd best apologize, before…
Vanessa tightly grabs the mercs balls.
WADE: … Yeah. That.
VANESSA: Say the magic words, fat Gandalf.
MERC: Im sorry.
WADE: Filter [?]
MERC: I dont have a filter between my brain and my ego.
Vanessa grabs his balls even harder.
WADE: Hey, woah, hakuna his tatas! Hes sorry. Get out of here, go. Go cast a spell.
Wade puts his hand on Vanessa.
VANESSA: Hey, hands off the merchandise.
WADE: Merchandise, oh. So you uh… Warm fuzzys for money?
WADE: Rough childhood?
VANESSA: Rougher than yours. Daddy left before I was born.
WADE: Daddy left before I was conceived.
VANESSA: Ever had a cigarette put out on your skin?
WADE: Where else do you put one out?
VANESSA: I was molested.
WADE: Me too. Uncle.
VANESSA: Uncles. They took turns.
WADE: I watched my own birthday party through the keyhole of a locked closet, which also happens to be -
VANESSA: Your bedroom. Lucky. I slept in a dishwasher box.
WADE: You had a dishwasher! I didnt even go to sleep. It was pretty much 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown p**n.
VANESSA: Who would do such a thing?
WADE: Hopefully you. Later tonight? Hey, what… What can I get for, uh… $275 and a yogurt lite rewards card?
VANESSA: Maybe about forty-eight minutes of whatever the f** you want.
She puts the yogurt gift card in Wades mouth and walks away. Wade follows her.
WEASEL: Did she just put a gift card in your mouth?
CUT TO: ARCADE
Shot of what appears to be Wade on top of Vanessa.
WADE: Its time to put balls in holes. You said whatever I want.
VANESSA: I get it.
Camera angle changes to shot of them in front of skeeball machines.
VANESSA: You love skeeball. Apparently more than you love vagina.
WADE: Its a tough call. I just want to get to know the real you. Not the short, 2-dimensional s** object peddled by Hollywood.
VANESSA: Balls in holes.
WADE: Balls in holes. Prepare to lose tragically.
VANESSA: Bring it, big man.
Rather than rolling the ball, Wade throws it directly into the hole labelled ‘100.
Cut to wade walking up to the Arcade counter with a ton of tickets.
WADE: A limited edition, Ultron: Defender of the Universe ring, por favor. Ive had my eye on this s**er for a while.
VANESSA: And I will take the pencil eraser.
ARCADE EMPLOYEE: Okay. You are now the proud protector of the planet. And you, can erase stuff, written in pencil.
He takes her arm and they walk away.
VANESSA: Well, I hate to break it to you, but your 48 minutes are up.
WADE: Hey, how many more minutes could I get for this? FYI, five mini-lion bots come together to form one super-lion bot.
VANESSA: (Excitedly) Five mini-lion bots? Three minutes.
WADE: What do we do with the remaining two minutes, thirty seven seconds?
Cut to them having s**.
VANESSA: How long can you keep this up?
WADE: All year?
Cut to them having s** on a bed covered in rose petals.
VANESSA: Happy Valentines Day.
Cut to them having s** in a room lit by red lanterns.
WADE: Happy Chinese New Year.
VANESSA: Year of the Dog.
Cut to Wade looking stressed in bed.
VANESSA: Relax. And happy International Womens Day.
WADE: Ah! Nope, nope, nope.
Cut to them sitting in chairs and reading.
WADE: Happy Lent.
Cut to Wade eating her out.
VANESSA: Ow, Wade!
He sticks his head up. Hes wearing plastic vampire teeth.
WADE: Happy Halloween.
He takes out the teeth.
WADE: Happy Halloween.
She laughs. Cut to them having s** on a table covered in food. She shoves some mashed potatoes into his mouth.
VANESSA: Happy Thanksgiving.
WADE: I love you.
Cut to Vanessa sitting in bed. Wade approaches her.
WADE: If your left leg is Thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas, can I visit you between the holidays?
He pulls the sheets off of her. Shes wearing an ugly Christmas sweater.
WADE: Ugh, that sweater is terrible! But, it looks good on you.
VANESSA: Reds your color. Brings out the bloodshot in your eyes.
WADE: Listen, Ive been thinking.
WADE: About why were so good together.
VANESSA: Whys that?
WADE: Well, your crazy matches my crazy. And were like two jigsaw pieces, you know? Um… Weird, curvy edges.
VANESSA: Put them together and you can see the picture on top. Wade, theres something Ive been meaning to ask you, but only because you havent gotten around to asking me. Will you, um… Stick it it my -
WADE: Marry me?
He holds up a ring-pop.
VANESSA: Uhh... Jinx? Where were you hiding that?
Shot of Wades bare a**.
WADE: Nowhere. I spent one months salary, so…
VANESSA: You mean it?
WADE: I do.
VANESSA: Thats my line.
VANESSA: I love you, Wade Wilson.
WADE: So thats a… Youre sposed to -
WADE: Yes! Ha ha ha! I feel just like a little girl!
They spoon in bed.
WADE: What if I just held on and never let go?
VANESSA: Ride a b**hs back like Yoda on Luke?
WADE: Oh, Star Wars jokes…
WADE: Jesus Christ, its like I made you in a computer.
They kiss. He picks up a camera and takes a picture of them.
WADE: Hey. Perfect. Pee break. Shake it, yeah.
She shakes the picture to dry it off. He gets up to pee.
WADE: (Narrating) Heres the thing. Life is an endless series of trainwrecks with only brief commercial like breaks of happiness. This had been the ultimate commercial break.
He finishes peeing and walks back to bed, taking his shirt off.
WADE: (Narrating) Which meant it was time to return to our regularly scheduled program.
He falls over on the floor, pa**ing out.
VANESSA: Oh, my God! Wade!
CUT TO: HOSPITAL
Shot of an X-Ray of Wades body. There are a number of pinkish blobs. Cut to Wade and Vanessa sitting in a doctors office.
WADE: Youre clowning. Youre not clowning? I sense clowns.
DOCTOR: People react to news of late-stage cancer differently. There are certainly options we can look into. Drugs are being developed every day.
Wade and Vanessa look at each other.
VANESSA: So what do we do? Surely there must be something we can do. My uncle Ivan was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and all these new experimental d**…
Her voice fades out. Wade looks at her.
WADE: (Narrating) Vanessas already working on plan A, B, all the way through Z. Me? Im memorizing the details of her face. Like its the first time Im seeing it. Or the last.
DOCTOR: Mr. Wilson. Mr Wilson? Take your time to process this. Its important not to do anything rash.
CUT TO: BRIDGE
Cut back to the carnage on the bridge. Deadpool is skewering a guy with his swords, and cuts him in half. He puts his sword away.
DEADPOOL: Now, if I were a two-hundred pound sack of a**holes named Francis, where would I hide? Oh.
A motorcycle starts. He turns around. The motorcycle speeds past him, shooting. Deadpool jumps into the air, throwing his sword into the front wheel of the motorcycle. The biker flies off. Deadpool walks over.
DEADPOOL: A hush falls over the crowd. Rookie sensation Wade W. Wilson out of Regina, Saskatchewan lines up the shot. His form looks good.
Deadpool kicks the biker in the chest, sending him back down.
DEADPOOL: And thats why Regina rhymes with fun. Ladies and gentlemen, what youre witnessing is sweet, dick-kicking revenge.
Deadpool continues beating the biker.
DEADPOOL: Oh! Giving him the business.
He throws the biker to the side of the bridge.
He kicks the bikers helmet off, revealing it to be Francis.
DEADPOOL: This is taking unsportsmanlike conduct to a whole new level!
He stabs his sword through Franciss shoulder and into the bridge barrier, pinning him down.
DEADPOOL: Looking good, Francis. Well rested. Like youve been pitching, not catching. Ringing any bells? No?
He lifts his mask up.
DEADPOOL: How about now?
FRANCIS: Huh. Wade f**ing Wilson. Well hello, gorgeous.
DEADPOOL: Yeah, like I got bit by a radioactive Sharpei. Yeah, and whose fault is that, Francis? Time to undo what you did to this butterface.
FRANCIS: You should thank me. Apparently I made you immortal. Im actually quite jealous.
DEADPOOL: Yeah, but this aint a life worth living, is it? Now, Im about to do to you what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 90s.
Colossus walks up behind Deadpool. Deadpool raises his hand, hitting Colossus in the crotch. He feels around for a second.
Colossus throws him into a car.
DEADPOOL: (Narrating) I think we can all agree that sh** just went sideways in the most colossal way.
Cut to an action figure of Deadpool from the Wolverine Origins movie.
DEADPOOL: (Narrating) Well, maybe not the most.
CUT TO: WADE & VANESSAS APARTMENT
WADE: Now this is my most prized possession.
He picks up and album by Wham!
WADE: No, no, no, no. Wham! Make It Big is the album that George and Andy earned the exclamation point.
VANESSA: So, am I supposed to just smile and wave you out the door?
WADE: Think of it like spring cleaning. Only, if spring was d**h. God, if I had a nickel for every time I spanked it to Bernadette Peters.
He picks up a coin bag with Bernadette Peters on it. Vanessa takes it and shakes it.
VANESSA: Sounds like you do. Bernadette is not going anywhere, because youre not going anywhere! Drink.
She hands him a gla**.
WADE: Youre right. Cancers only in my liver, lungs, prostate, and brain. All things I can live without.
VANESSA: You belong here at home. Surrounded by your Ultron, and your Bernadette, and your me.
WADE: Listen, we both know that cancer is a sh**show. Like, Yakoff Smirnov opening for the Spin Doctors at the Iowa State Fair, sh**show. And under no circumstances will I take you to that show. I want you to remember me. Not the ghost of Christmas me.
VANESSA: Well, I want to remember us!
WADE: I swear to God, Im gonna find you in the next life, and Im gonna boombox Careless Whisper outside your window. Wham!
VANESSA: No one is boomboxing sh**, okay?
She sits down next to him.
VANESSA: We can fight this. Besides, I just realized something. You win. Your life is officially way more f**ed up than mine.
WADE: I love you.
They start making out.
CUT TO: BAR
Wade walks in.
Wade sits at the bar.
WEASEL: You look like you need a blowjob and a shower. Courtesy calls for the latter first.
WADE: Yeah, how about three shots of Patron?
WEASEL: Yeah, how about Triticum aestivum? Wheat gra**. Excellent for the immune system.
WADE: Jesus Christ, you sound like Vanessa. Here, check it out. Shes sending away for all these colorful clinic brochures.
He pulls out a bunch of brochures.
WADE: Im sure theyre all FDA approved. Chechnya. Isnt that where you go to get cancer? Weve got China, and central Mexico. You know how they say cancer in spanish?
WADE: El cancer.
WEASEL: Oh. I could have guessed that. Look how happy you look here?
He shows Wade the picture he took of himself and Vanessa.
WEASEL: Mind if I keep this? Put it up, so I can remember? When you looked alive. At least now Im gonna win the dead pool, now that youre gonna die tragically of cancer.
WEASEL: Oh, and that guy over there came in looking for you.
He hands wade a card with a number on it.
WEASEL: Real grim reaper type. I dunno. Might further the plot.
Wade walks over to the man and sits down.
MAN: Ah! Mr. Wilson.
WADE: How can I help you? Besides luring children into a panel van.
MAN: I understand youve recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer.
WADE: Stalker alert.
MAN: My job. Recruitment. Im sorry youve had such a tough go. But youre a fighter. Special forces, forty-one confirmed k**s.
WADE: One every seven weeks. At that rate, most folks get a haircut.
He takes a sip of his drink.
WADE: Its to wash the taste out. Of being so... impressive.
MAN: And now you spend your days sticking up for the little people.
WADE: People change. What do you want?
MAN: I represent an organization of people that may be able to help. What if I told you we can cure your cancer? And whats more, give you abilities most men only dream of.
WADE: Id say that you sound like an infomercial. But not a good one, like Slapchop, more Shakeweighty.
Wade makes a shakeweight gesture.
MAN: The world needs extraordinary soldiers. We wont just make you better. We will make you better than better. A superhero.
WADE: Look, Agent Smith. I tried the superhero business and it left a mark. But if I ever hit, f** it, Ill hit you up. Oh, uh, sh**. Were within 500 yards of a school, so you may wanna... You know. Yeah.
Wade gets up and leaves, going back over to the bar.
WADE: His drinks on him.
CUT TO: WADE AND VANESSAS APARTMENT
Wade sits in a chair.
VANESSA: Hey, whats going on?
WADE: Hey, sorry. I had a Liam Neeson nightmare. I dreamt I kidnapped his daughter and he just wasnt having it.
He gets into bed.
WADE: Hey, uh, they made three of those movies. At some point you have to wonder if hes just a bad parent.
Cut to Wade packing.
WADE: (Narrating) The worst part about cancer isnt what it does to you. But what it does to the people you love. Who knew if this guy could save my life. But I knew there was only one way I could save hers.
WADE: (Narrating) Isnt that what superheroes do?
Wade calls the man.
CUT TO: BRIDGE
Deadpool is frozen midair after Colossus threw him.
DEADPOOL: Okay. Lets pro-con this superhero thing. Pro: they pull down a gaggle of a**. Dry cleaning-discounts, lucrative film deals both origin stories and larger ensemble team movies. Con: Theyre all lame-a** teachers pets.
COLOSSUS: You know I can hear you.
DEADPOOL: Im not talking to you. I was talking to them.
He points at the camera.
COLOSSUS: (To Francis) Stay right here. Youve been warned before, Deadpool. This is a shameful and reckless use of your powers. You will both be coming with us.
DEADPOOL: Look, Colossus! I dont have time for the goody-two-shoes bullsh** right now! And... you are?
NEGASONIC: Negasonic Teenage Warhead.
DEADPOOL: Negasonic Teenage... What the sh**? Thats the coolest name ever! So what, youre like his sidekick?
COLOSSUS: No, trainee.
DEADPOOL: Let me guess. X-men left you behind on, what, sh** detail?
NEGASONIC: What does that make you?
DEADPOOL: Pretending youre not here, Negasonic Teenage Warhead. Trade names?
He punches Francis.
NEGASONIC: Can we go?
DEADPOOL: Look! Im a teenage girl! Id rather be anywhere than here. Im all about long, sullen silences, followed by mean comments, followed by more silences. So whats it gonna be, huh? Long sullen silence, or mean comment? Go on.
NEGASONIC: Youve got me in a box here.
COLOSSUS: We cant allow this Deadpool. Please, come quietly.
DEADPOOL: You big, chrome, cock-gobbler!
COLOSSUS: Thats not nice.
DEADPOOL: Youre really gonna f** this up for me? Trust me. That wheezing bag of dick tips has it coming! Hes pure evil! Besides, nobodys getting hurt!
The body that splattered onto the highway sign falls off. The three of them turn to look.
DEADPOOL: That guy was already up there when I got here.
COLOSSUS: Wade, youre better than this! Join us! Use your powers for good.
Deadpool tosses a metal disk at Francis, hitting him in the face.
DEADPOOL: Heads up.
COLOSSUS: Be a superhero!
DEADPOOL: Listen, the day I decide to become a crime-fighting sh**-swizzler, who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners, at the Neverland mansion of some creepy, old, bald, Heavens Gate-looking mother f**er, on that day... Ill send your shiny happy a** a friend request. But until then, Im gonna do what I came here to do. Either that, or slap the b**h out of you.
NEGASONIC: Hey -
DEAPOOL: Zip it, Sinead!
NEGASONIC: Hey, douchepool!
DEADPOOL: And I hope youre watching!
He turns around to point at Francis, who is no longer there. He gasps.
COLOSSUS: Quite unfortunate.
Deadpool looks back and forth at where Colossus is and where Francis was.
DEADPOOL: That does it!
He jumps up and hits Colossuss head, breaking his hand.
DEADPOOL: Oh, Canada! Thats not good.
COLOSSUS: Wade, please.
DEADPOOL: Cock shot!
With his good hand, he punches Colossus in the crotch. This does nothing but break his hand.
DEADPOOL: Oh, your poor wife!
COLOSSUS: You really should stop.
He holds his broken hands in front of him.
DEADPOOL: All the dinosaurs feared the T-rex.
He flips up into the air, breaking his foot upon contact with Colossuss head. Negasonic laughs.
DEADPOOL: Ah! I promise this gets worse for you, big boy!
COLOSSUS: This is embarra**ing. Please, stay down.
DEADPOOL: You ever hear of the one-legged man in the a**-kicking contest?
Deadpool gets up and hops on one leg, holding his other three broken limbs up.
COLOSSUS: Do you have off switch?
DEADPOOL: Yeah, its right next to the prostate. Or is that the on switch?
Colossus hits him into a car. Negasonic laughs. Deadpool moans in pain. Colossus handcuffs him and drags him along.
COLOSSUS: Let us go talk to the professor.
DEADPOOL: McAvoy or Stewart? These timelines are so confusing. Dead or alive youre coming with me!
COLOSSUS: You will recover, Wade. You always do.
Deadpool snaps his arm back into place and takes out a knife.
DEADPOOL: (To the camera) You ever see 127 Hours? Spoiler alert.
Deadpool begins cutting his own hand off, escaping the handcuffs.
NEGASONIC: Oh, my God. Nasty.
A spurt of blood hits Colossus in the face.
DEADPOOL: Oh, theres the money shot, baby! Are you there, God? Its me, Margaret.
Deadpool flips off of the bridge and lands in a truck pa**ing underneath. His hand, still in the handcuff, is flipping off Colossus. Cut to Deadpool in the back of the truck.
DEADPOOL: Rock, meet Bottom. When life ends up breath-takingly f**ed, you can generally trace it back to one big, bad decision.
CUT TO: DIMLY LIT FACILITY
WADE is on a stretcher.
WADE: (Narrating) The one that sent you down the road to sh**tsburgh. This, well, this was mine.
MAN: Mr. Wilson, nothing warms my heart more than a change of someone elses. You finally hit, f** it.
WADE: Just promise me youll do right by me. So I can do right by someone else.
MAN: Of course.
WADE: And please dont make the super suit green. Or animated!
Wade is brought into a large room with a lot of other people. One woman has spikes on her back. Another is bleeding and panting.
WADE: This place seems sanitary. My first request is warmer hands.
Some men put him on a chair and strap him down.
WADE: And, Jesus, a warmer table! You should really come up with a safe word fellas. Im thinking pork and beans.
A woman comes by and pushes his head down, strapping him in.
WADE: Arent you a little strong for a lady? Im calling wang. Whats up with the matches? Oral fixation? Or just a big Stallone fan?
She puts her hand over his mouth.
FRANCIS: Patience, Angel.
She removes her hand.
FRANCIS: All in good time.
WADE: Are you here for the turn down service or what?
FRANCIS: We have another talker.
WADE: Im just excited about my first day at super hero camp.
ANGEL: Shut the f** up.
She puts a rag over his mouth. Francis inspects him.
FRANCIS: Mr. Wilson, my names Ajax. I manage this workshop. My welcome speech used to be filled with euphemisms like, This may hurt a little. This may cause you some discomfort. But Ive grown blunt. This workshop is not a government led program. Its a private institution that turns reclamation projects like yourself into men of extraordinary abilities. But if you think super human powers are acquired painlessly, well... Im injecting with a serum that activates any mutant genes lurking in your DNA. For it to work we need to subject you to extreme stress.
Francis puts an IV into Wades arm and turns on a machine. A blue liquid begins to flow through.
FRANCIS: Youve heard the whole, make an omelette break some eggs thing, right? Im about to hurt you, Wade. I was a patient here once myself, you know. The treatment affects everyone differently. It made Angel inhumanly strong. In my case, it enhanced my reflexes, and scorched my nerve endings so I not longer feel pain. And in fact, I no longer feel anything.
Wade starts mumbling. Angel removes his gag.
WADE: Thank you! Thank you. You have something in your teeth. Just in the middle there. Romaine lettuce, or something. Its been bothering me for a long time.
Francis checks his teeth.
WADE: Ha! Made you look. Hey, is Ajax your actual name? Because it sounds suspiciously made up. What is it really? Kevin? Ruth? Scott? Mitch? Dexter? Is it Basil Fawlty?
FRANCIS: Joke away. The one thing that never survives this place is a sense of humor.
WADE: Well see about that.
FRANCIS: I suppose we will. Hes all yours.
WADE: Oh, come on. Youre going to leave me all alone here with less angry Rosie ODonnell?
She punches him. A montage of experiments on Wade begins, with Francis narrating.
FRANCIS: This is how its going to work. Adrenaline acts as a catalyst for the serum, so were going to have to make you suffer. If youre lucky, your mutant genes will activate and manifest in spectacular fashion. If not, well, well have to keep hurting you. In new and more painful ways, each more different than the last. Until you finally mutate. Or die.
Cut to Wade talking with another man.
WADE: Got a bucket list? Id really like to light a spliff off of the Olympic Torch.
CUNNINGHAM: Pa** it to me right after.
WADE: Lets not forget naked tandem base jumping with the WNBA Sacramento Monarchs.
CUNNINGHAM: Anything on my bucket list would involve public nudity.
WADE: Giving Meredith Baxter Birney a dutch oven.
CUNNINGHAM: No, receiving a dutch oven from Meredith Baxter Birney. Making banana pancakes for my kids.
WADE: Vanessa. I wanna see Vanessa.
FRANCIS: Lovely. I dont know about anyone else, but Im touched.
CUNNINGHAM: Were just joking.
FRANCIS: No, no. Its okay. I encourage distractions. Wouldnt want you giving up on us, now would we?
WADE: Hey, dont take any sh** from him, Cunningham. How tough can he be, with a name like Francis.
WADE: Thats his legal name. He got Ajax from the dish soap. F, R, A, N, C, I, oops! I snabbed the dry-cleaning tag off your lab coat. FYI, I could probably get you the super hero discount.
FRANCIS: You are so relentlessly annoying.
WADE: Thanks. Never heard that before.
FRANCIS: Why dont you do us all a favor and shut the f** up? Or Ill sow your pretty mouth shut.
WADE: Oh, I wouldnt do that if I were you. See, heres the problem with round-the-clock torture. You cant really step it up from there.
FRANCIS: Is that what you think?
Cut to Wade being strapped down in a machine.
FRANCIS: If this doesnt unlock your mutation, well... Nothing will. Now, what were going to do is lower the oxygen concentration in there to the exact point you feel like youre suffocating. If your brain waves slow, meaning youre about to pa** out, then well turn up the O2. If your heart rate slows, meaning youre able to catch your breath, well turn it back down. And thats where well leave you. Right there.
WADE: Ugh, I thought you guys were dicks before.
FRANCIS: You know the funniest part of all this? You still think were making you a super hero. You, a dishonorable discharge hook deep in hookers? Youre nothing. Our secret, mate, is that this workshop doesnt make super heroes. We make super slaves. Were gonna fit you with a control collar and auction you off to the highest bidder. Who knows what theyll have you do. Terrorizing citizens, putting down freedom fighters. Maybe just mow the occasional lawn.
WADE: What the f** is wrong with you?
FRANCIS: Youre never going home after this. now theres a brave face.
WADE: Wait, wait! Seriously, you actually have something in your teeth now.
FRANCIS: Enjoy your weekend.
WADE: Weekend? Back up, weekend?
Francis starts the machine. Wade begins choking. Cut to night. His whole body begins to transform.
WADE: (Narrating) Did I say this was a love story? No, its a horror movie.
Wade begins screaming. Cut to day time. Francis comes back and turns off the machine.
FRANCIS: f**ing hell. Looks like someone lost his shot at homecoming king.
WADE: What have you done to me?
FRANCIS: Ive merely raised your stress levels high enough to trigger a mutation.
WADE: You sadistic f**!
FRANCIS: Ive cured you, Wade. Now your mutated cells can heal anything. Its attacking your cancer as fast as it can form. You know, Ive seen some of the side effects before. I could cure them. But wheres the fun in that? Now Im gonna shut you in again Wade. Not because I need to. Because I want to. Ah, well. Go ahead.
Angel fiddles with the straps.
ANGEL: You smell like sh**.
Wade head butts her.
ANGEL: Mother f**er -
FRANCIS: Hey, hey, hey! Its alright! Its alright. I think we owe him that, yeah? Take off. Go on, off you go. Quick question. Whats my name? Didnt think so.
He closes the machine and turns it on.
WADE: (Narrating) Sorry, Francis, my lips are sealed.
In the machine, Wade reveals that he took a match from Angel. He lights it and throws it towards the oxygen vent. After a few moments, the machine explodes, causing ma**ive damage to the facility and starting a fire. Francis comes down with a fire extinguisher. He sees that Wade escaped from the machine. Wade charges him with a metal pipe and they begin fighting.
FRANCIS: You dont wanna k** me! Im the only one that can fix your barking mug!
They continue fighting. Francis gains the upper hand and skewers Wade with a metal pipe, bending it to prevent him from getting up.
FRANCIS: Whats my name?
Wade looks up to see Cunningham. Cut to much later, after the fire has died out. Wade rises up out of the dirt and rubble.
WADE: (Narrating) I didnt just get the cure to el cancer. I got the cure to el everything. But there was only one thing that really mattered.
CUT TO: STREET
Vanessa walks down a sidewalk. Wade follows her. A lot of people give him strange looks. He watched Vanessa purchase something at a market and follows her to her apartment. She enters, but he walks away.
CUT TO: BAR
WADE: No way. Im not making her life as ugly as mine, man.
WEASEL: Oh, come on, Wade. It cant be that bad.
WADE: Ah, bullsh**! Im a monster inside and out. I belong in a f**ing circus!
WEASEL: Wade, Vanessa loves you. She doesnt care what you - Oh. Oh.
WADE: Do you like what you see?
WEASEL: No. You look like an avocado had s** with an older, more disgusting avocado.
WEASEL: And not gently. Like, it was hate f**ing. There was something wrong with the relationship, and that was the only catharsis they could find without violence.
WADE: And the only guy who can fix this fugly mug is the brown sh**stick from the mutant factory, and hes gone! Poof.
WEASEL: Yeah, youve got to do something to remedy this, cause as of now you only have on course of action.
WEASEL: Damn straight. Find Francis -
WEASEL: Star in horror films.
WEASEL: Star in your own horror films. Cause you look like Freddy Krueger face f**ed a topographical map of Utah.
WADE: Heres what Im actually going to do. Im going to work through his crew until somebody gives up Francis, force him to fix this, put a bullet in his skull, and f** the brain hole.
WEASEL: I dont want to see that or think of it again. But the douchebag does think youre dead, right?
WEASEL: Thats good. You should keep it that way.
WADE: What, like, wear a mask?
WEASEL: Yes, a very thick mask, all the time. I am sorry, you are... haunting. Your face is the stuff of nightmares.
WADE: Like a testicle with teeth.
WEASEL: You will die alone. If, I mean, if you could die. Ideally. For others sake.
WADE: Thatll do.
WEASEL: All you need now is a suit and a nickname, like Wade the Wisecracker, or Scaredevil, Mr. Neverdie... Oh sh**.
WEASEL: I put all my money on you, and I just realized Im never going to win the -
WADE: Deadpool. Captain Deadpool. No, just Deadpool. Yeah.
WEASEL: Yeah. To you, Mr. Pool. That sounds like a f**ing franchise.
The clink gla**es. Cut to a Deadpool making his costume.
DEADPOOL: This sh**s gonna have nuts in it.
He attacks some guys, shouting Wheres Francis? Back at his apartment, he realizes his clothes are covered in blood. Cut to him in a laundry mat. An old blind woman addresses him.
AL: Seltzer water and lemon for blood. Or wear red. Dumba**.
Cut to him making a new, red costume. Cut to him interrupting a boxing match and attacking a man there.
DEADPOOL: Dont make me ask twice. Wheres Francis?
Cut to him in his apartment, stabbing a picture of the man.
DEADPOOL: He made me ask twice. Is it the mask?
Cut to him making the newest costume. Cut to a montage of him k**ing people and asking where Francis is. Cut to an ice rink. A man is bleeding and crawling on the floor. Deadpool follows him with a Zamboni and laughs.
DEADPOOL: Youre about to be k**ed by a Zamboni!
Back to the montage of k**ing people, and shouting various insults at people. Finally, Deadpool only has one person left to track down; the man who recruited him. Cut to that man recruiting another man. He gives the man a card and leaves with two guards. Deadpool confronts them.
DEADPOOL: Nice to see you, Jared. Ill take the footlong. Fully loaded.
The man runs away. Deadpool k**s the two guards and catches up.
DEADPOOL: 41 confirmed k**s. Now its 89. About to be 90.
MAN: Mr. Wilson?
DEADPOOL: Ding ding!
MAN: Youre looking very... alive.
DEADPOOL: Ha! Only on the outside.
MAN: This isnt going to end well for me.
DEADPOOL: This is not gonna end well for you, no. Wheres your boss?
MAN: I can tell you exactly -
DEADPOOL: Ah, da, da, da, da ,da ,da, da. Oh, youll tell me. But first, you might want to look away for this.
Deadpool pushes the camera away.
DEADPOOL: Now this little piggy went to...
Cut back to Deadpools apartment. He sticks a knife in a picture of the recruiter.
DEADPOOL: Thank you, Agent Smith.
Cut to Deadpool leaving his apartment and hailing a cab. Dopinder is inside.
DOPINDER: Hop in!
Deadpool gets in, then addresses the camera.
DEADPOOL: And we all know how this turned out.
Fast-forward through the cab drive and the bridge fight scene. Deadpool is holding a unicorn plushie and masturbating.
DEADPOOL: Whoops! You werent meant to see that.
Rewind to him escaping Colossus and ending up in the truck.
DEADPOOL: There. All caught up.
CUT TO: OUTSIDE DEADPOOLS APARTMENT
Deadpool gets out of the truck.
DEADPOOL: Sorry about bleeding in all of your garbage! Seltzer water and lemon for blood. Whoo! Some kinds of anger cant be managed. Like the kind where your year-long plan ends with the wrong guy getting dismembered! That said, when it comes time for licking wounds, theres no place like home. And I share that home with someone youve met. The old blind lady from the laundry mat, Al.
AL: God, I miss c**aine.
DEADPOOL: Her. Ah! Fourth wall break in a fourth wall break. Thats like... sixteen walls! Shes like Robin to my Batman, except shes old. And black. And blind. And I think shes in love with me. Wait, Im pretty sure Robin loves Batman too.
He knocks on the door. Al goes to answer it, but trips and falls.
He opens the door.
DEADPOOL: Good morning, sleepy head. It smells like old lady pants in here.
AL: Yes, Im old, I wear pants.
DEADPOOL: But youre no lady.
Deadpool takes off his shoes and puts crocs on.
DEADPOOL: Oh! So comfy.
AL: Upside of being blind, Ive never seen you in crocs.
DEADPOOL: You mean my big rubber masturbatin shoes?
AL: Yes, I know. Downside of being blind. I hear everything in this duplex.
DEADPOOL: Sit on a stick.
DEADPOOL: Yeah. Bactine should do it.
He lifts up his hand, which is slowly starting to grow back. Al is a**embling furniture.
DEADPOOL: Hows that Cunen coming along? IKEA doesnt a**emble itself, you know.
AL: Youre telling me. I dont mind the Cunen. Its an improvement on the Holdall.
DEADPOOL: Please. Anythings an improvement over the Holdall. Id have taken and Emness or a Tristes over the Holdall. No, I didnt get excited until I saw the Cunen.
AL: Screw please.
DEADPOOL: Here? Now? Just kidding, I know its been decades.
AL: Youd be surprised.
DEADPOOL: Pretty grossed out.
AL: Ta da.
She finishes the furniture and sits down. After a moment, it completely falls apart.
AL: I wish Id never heard of Craigslist.
DEADPOOL: And I quote, Looking for blind and likes imperfections, must be good with hands. Or would you rather I build the ikea and you pay rent?
AL: Why so douchy this morning?
DEADPOOL: Lets recap. The cock-thistle that turned me into this freak slipped through my arms today. Arm. Catching him my only chance to be hot again, get my super s**y ex back, and prevent this sh** from happening to someone else. So yeah, today was about as much fun as a sand paper dildo.
Hes grabbed some lube and a unicorn plushie. As he walks by Al into his room, he loudly farts.
DEADPOOL: Hashtag drive by.
CUT TO: WAREHOUSE
Francis pulls up outside. Inside, Angel is getting some super slaves ready. Francis walks in.
FRANCIS: Found out who our friend in the red suit is.
Cut to Angel repairing his clothes.
FRANCIS: f**ing Wade Wilson. Of course, Id wear a mask too with a face like that. I only wish I healed the same. Still. Well put him out of our misery. On our terms.
ANGEL: Right. And when he heals?
FRANCIS: He cant. Not if theres nothing left of him to heal. You know, its funny. I almost missed the f**er. I like a challenge. But hes bad for business. Now lets go and find him.
CUT TO: DEADPOOLS APARTMENT
Deadpool sits on the couch. Al comes over with a drink.
AL: Tylenol PM?
DEADPOOL: Id stick that where you stuck the Bactine. On scale of [?] I am orbiting f**ing Saturn right now.
He strokes her chin with his hand, which looks like a babys hand.
DEADPOOL: I appreciate the gesture.
AL: Am I crazy, or is your hand really small?
DEADPOOL: Its about the size of a KFC spork.
AL: I get why youre so pissy. But your moods never going to right until you find this woman and tell her how you feel!
DEADPOOL: I keep telling you, Mrs. Magoo, she wouldnt have me! If you could see me, youd understand.
AL: Looks arent everything.
DEADPOOL: Looks are everything! You ever heard David Beckham speak? Its like he mouth-s**ed a can of helium! You think Ryan Reynolds got this far on his superior acting method?
AL: Love is blind, Wade.
DEADPOOL: No. Youre blind.
AL: So youre just gonna lie there and whimper?
DEADPOOL: No, Im gonna wait till this arm plows through puberty, and then Im gonna come up with a whole new Christmas Day plan. In the meantime, you might wanna leave the room. I bet it feels huge in this hand. Go, go, go, go, go ,go.
She begins to get up.
CUT TO: THE BAR
Weasel is telling a joke to some men.
WEASEL: So the doctor says, Well the bad news is, you dont have that much time to live? He says, How long do I have? The doctor says, Five. The guy says, Five what? The doctor says, Four, three, two...
He and the men laugh. Weasel notices that Francis, Angel, and some of their men have come in.
WEASEL: Can I help you ladies?
FRANCIS: Well, I sure hope so. I heard you might be able to point me in the direction of a, um... A friend of mine. Name of Wade Wilson.
WEASEL: Sorry. I dont know the name.
Angel reaches and grabs something on the back wall.
WEASEL: Hey, youre not supposed to be behind the bar.
ANGEL: I recognize that girl.
FRANCIS: This must be Vanessa. Ive heard so much about you.
Angel holds Weasel up against the wall. Everyone in the bar pulls out a gun and points it at her.
WEASEL: Um, sweetheart, you might want to look around. This isnt really the place to do something like that.
FRANCIS: Easy, Angel. Put the little man down.
She puts Weasel down.
FRANCIS: We have everything we need now.
WEASEL: You sure? You dont want any clothes that arent monochromatic? Have fun at your midnight showing of Blade 2.
Angel and Francis leave.
WEASEL: Woo. Thanks for having my back, guys.
He calls Deadpool.
WEASEL: Wade, we have a f**ing problem. And by we, I mean you.
CUT TO: STREET
Deadpool and Weasel walk down a sidewalk.
DEADPOOL: I cant believe Im doing this. Is there a word for half afraid, half angry?
WEASEL: Yeah, afrangry, I guess. Do you know what youre going to say to her?
DEADPOOL: Ugh, f** me.
WEASEL: Uh, Id maybe not start with that.
They enter a strip club.
DJ: Hey, coming up on stage right now, give it up for Chastity!
WEASEL: Or, as I like to call her, irony.
DEADPOOL: Weve got to find her fast, before numbnuts does.
WEASEL: How do you know shes in here?
DEADPOOL: Cause Im constantly stalking the fox.
Weasel gets distracted by a stripper. Deadpool searches and eventually finds Vanessa.
DEADPOOL: (Narrating) Every time I see her, its like the first time. Especially from this angle.
He approaches her, but stops short of getting her attention and instead walks away.
DJ: You cant find love, but you can rent it for three minutes!
Cut to Deadpool washing his face in the bathroom.
DEADPOOL: You weak motherf**er! Come on. Come on, get it together. This isnt about me, this is about Vanessa. Here we go. Maximum effort.
Cut back to the club.
MAN: Vanessa! Someone out back asking for you. Something about an old boyfriend.
Cut to an alley out back. Vanessa walks out and sees someone in the shadows.
VANESSA: I knew it was you. The weird curvy edges. Like a jigsaw puzzle.
The man walks out of the shadows. Its Francis, not Deadpool.
FRANCIS: You have Wade Wilson to thank for this.
She tries running, but Angel knocks her out. Cut back into the club. Deadpool approaches Weasel.
DEADPOOL: Hey, hey! Whered she go?
WEASEL: I saw her head to the back. Go get her tiger.
Cut to Deadpool entering the alley out back. He finds his old coin purse on the ground.
DEADPOOL: f**... Mother f**er!
CUT TO DEADPOOLS APARTMENT
Deadpool is yelling. Weasel tries to calm him down. Deadpool knocks over and beats up a dummy.
DEADPOOL: Chocolate! Jimminy! f**! f**! f**! f**! f**! Oh, Im gonna rip this mother f**ing -
A phone begins to ring.
DEADPOOL: Find that! Find that, Im going to get angry!
Weasel gets the phone.
WEASEL: Here, it says Vanessa. No, wait, its Francis. He says he wants you to come to him.
DEADPOOL: What is that?
WEASEL: Thats the sh** emoji. You know, its the turd with the smiling face and the eyes. I thought it was chocolate yogurt for so long.
DEADPOOL: I need guns.
WEASEL: Okay, which ones.
DEADPOOL: I need all the guns!
Cut to a montage of Deadpool, Weasel, and Al getting guns from all over the house.
WEASEL: Thats about 3000 rounds.
DEADPOOL: Well, we all know what I can do with twelve.
Al comes in holding a gun, pointed at Weasel and Deadpool.
WEASEL: Woah, woah, woah.
DEADPOOL: Careful with that, Ronnie Milsap. Were downrange.
AL: I was gonna spend the night a**embling the Volgie, but this is holding my interest.
DEADPOOL: I told you, were going with the Oordvash, not the Bjorsha, get it through your head or get outta f** town!
AL: sh**. Thats all the pieces in the house.
DEADPOOL: Na, na, na, na, na. Lets go, cough it up. Up, up, up, up, up.
She pulls her pant leg up to reveal a gun.
DEADPOOL: Ugh, down, down, down.
AL: f** you.
WEASEL: Five cal. I like it. Wade. Id go with you, but, I dont wanna.
DEADPOOL: Listen, Al. If I never see you again, I want you to know that I love you very much. Oh, and also, theres about 116 kilos of c**aine buried somewhere in the apartment, right next to the cure for blindness. Good luck.
WEASEL: Wanna get f**ed up?
CUT TO: LARGE PLATFORM
Angel and Francis lead a bound and gagged Vanessa on the platform.
FRANCIS: Put her down over here.
Angel ties her up.
FRANCIS: Go on then.
Angel removes the gag.
VANESSA: Thanks, dickless. And I mean you.
FRANCIS: Well. Youre a talker too? You and Wade.
VANESSA: Ive been trying to tell you a**holes youve got the wrong girl. My old boyfriend, hes dead.
FRANCIS: See, I thought that too. But he keeps on coming back. Like a cockroach. Ugly. Now, I may not feel, but he does. Lets see how he fights with your head on the block.
CUT TO: THE X-MEN MANSION
Deadpool runs up to knock on the door, but Negasonic opens it before he can.
DEADPOOL: Ripley! From Alien 3!
NEGASONIC: f**, youre old.
DEADPOOL: Ha! Fake laugh, hiding real pain. Go get silver balls.
NEGASONIC: You guys going for a bite? Early bird special?
DEADPOOL: Oh, like theres something wrong with eating before sundown or saving money. No, you know that bad guy that you let go? Hes got my girl. Youre gonna help me get her back.
COLOSSUS: Wade, is that you?
DEADPOOL: Its me, Deadpool, and I got an offer that you cant refuse! Im gonna wait out here, okay? Big house. Its funny that we only ever see two of you. Its almost like the studio couldnt afford another x-man.
CUT TO: TAXI
Dopinder is driving. Deadpool is in the pa**enger seat. Colossus and Negasonic are in back.
DEADPOOL: And that is why, in my opinion, the movie cocoon is pure p**nography.
DOPINDER: Who brought this twinkly man?
DEADPOOL: Twinkly, but deadly. My chrome-penised friend back there has agreed to do me this solid. In exchange, I told him I would consider joining his boy band.
COLOSSUS: Its not boy band.
DEADPOOL: Sure its not. Ah! So, any luck winning Gita back?
DOPINDER: I tried to Mr. Pool, but Bantu is more craftier and handsomer than me.
DEADPOOL: Well, I think youre pretty darn cute.
The cab drives over a pothole. A scream can be heard from the trunk.
DEADPOOL: What was that?
DOPINDER: Uh, that was, uh... Bantu, in the trunk.
DOPINDER: My romantic rival, Bantu. Hes tied up in the trunk. Im doing like you said, DP. Im going to gut him like a tenduri fish, then put his carca** on Gitas doorstep.
DEADPOOL I did not tell him to do that! Absolutely not! It got lost in translation! Dopinder, this is no way to win Gitas heart back! (Im so proud of you). Drop Bantu off, safe and gentle like. (k** him). And then win Gita back! The old fashioned way, with your boyish charm. (Kidnap her).
NEGASONIC: Hes super dead.
Dopinder parks the taxi.
DOPINDER: I presume a crisp high five?
DEADPOOL: For you? Ten! Okay guys, lets get out there and make a difference! (You know what to do).
He and Dopinder give each other thumbs up.
DOPINDER: Knock em dead, pool boy!
DEADPOOL: Time to make the chimi f**ing changas. Not often a dude ruins your face, wall stomps your sanity, grabs your future baby-momma, and personally sees to four of your five sh**tiest moments. Lets just say, its beginning to look a lot like Christmas.
The trio approaches the large platform.
NEGASONIC: Hey, wheres your duffel bag?
Deadpool turns around. Cut to the taxi. Dopinder gets a call from Deadpool. He tries to answer it, causing the car to crash. Bantu starts screaming.
Cut back to the platform.
DOPINDERS VOICE: Leave a message, and have a happy day!
DEADPOOL: God damn it! Im gonna do this the old fashioned way. With two swords and maximum effort. Cue the music.
The trio starts walking again. A bunch of men with guns come out. Francis calls out from atop the platform.
FRANCIS: Wade Wilson! Whats my name?
DEADPOOL: Ooh, Imma f**ing spell it out for you.
FRANCIS: Go get some.
DEADPOOL: Superhero landing, shes gonna do a superhero landing, wait for it!
Angel does a superhero landing.
DEADPOOL: Woo! Superhero landing. You know, thats really hard on your knees. Totally impractical. They all do it. Youre a lovely lady, but Im saving myself for Francis. Thats why I brought him.
COLOSSUS: Id prefer not to hit a woman, so please, pla -
Angel hits Colossus, sending him flying.
DEADPOOL: I mean... Thats why I brought her?
Negasonic is on her phone.
DEADPOOL: Oh, no, finish your tweet. Just give us a second. There you go, hashtag it. Go get her tiger.
Negasonic runs forward in a firey ball, throwing Angel back.
DEADPOOL: Oh, I so pity the dude who pressures her into prom s**.
ANGEL: Alright then. Fire!
The men with guns start shooting. Negasonic and Deadpool hide behind cover. Colossus gets back up and throws a giant tire, hitting some of the men.
DEADPOOL: Finish f**ing her the f** up!
COLOSSUS: Language, please!
DEADPOOL: s** a cock!
Colossus and Angel start fighting.
DEADPOOL: Look away, child. Look away!
Deadpool rips off his underwear, then holds it up as a flag of surrender.
DEADPOOL: Wait! Wait!
The men stop shooting.
DEADPOOL: Hey, you only work for that sh** spackled muffin fart! So, Imma give yall a chance to lay down your firearms, in exchange for preferential, borderline gentle, possibly lover-like treatment.
They start shooting again.
DEADPOOL: Fine! Commando.
Deadpool runs out and fights a bunch of the guys. Cut back to Angel and Colossus fighting. Cut back to Deadpool k**ing a bunch of guys. Negasonic uses her power to crush a few guys. Cut back to Colossus and Angel fighting. Cut back to Deadpool k**ing guys. Suddenly, he stop just short of k**ing one.
DEADPOOL: Oh, my God, I havent seen you since -
BOB: Jacksonville. TGI Fridays.
DEADPOOL: TGI Fridays!
He puts his swords away.
DEADPOOL: What the hell! Come here you.
He head butts Bob, knocking him out.
DEADPOOL: How are the kids? Good? And Gale, she still fixing that tuna ca**erole? So good. Bad for the waistline if you know what I mean.
Cut to Colossus. He lifts a large object off of Angel Dust. Her boob has fallen out of her shirt. He awkwardly looks away... covering the breast from camera view with his hand.
COLOSSUS: You are, uh... Very beautiful woman.
ANGEL: You are so sweet! Thanks.
She takes the opportunity to punch him in the crotch. Cut to Deadpool, who has arranged the bodies of the soldiers he k**ed into the word FRANCIS.
FRANCIS: Does he write you notes too? Hes such a romantic.
DEADPOOL: Dont worry, baby. Im coming.
The men on the platform begin shooting. Deadpool runs out of range.
NEGASONIC: Hey! Climb on.
Deadpool nods and runs over. She uses her power to shoot him up onto the platform. He approaches Francis, who has Vanessa in the oxygen depravation machine.
DEADPOOL: Motherf**er should have worn his brown pants. Youre right, beautiful! Red really is my color.
DEADPOOL: Dont worry, baby. Im gonna get you out of that sh**box.
FRANCIS: What better way to get inside that head of yours.
DEADPOOL: Oh, you never left.
VANESSA: But you did, a**hole!
FRANCIS: Ah, take a deep breath darling. Oh wait, wrong choice of words.
He turns the machine on. She begins choking.
DEADPOOL: I hope theyve locked pain to your every last nerve, cause Imma go looking!
FRANCIS: You grow back body parts now, Wade? When Im finished, partsll have to grow back you.
DEADPOOL: Good one. Yeah, that was a good one. Lets dance. And by dance, I mean lets try to k** each other.
They begin fighting. A some point, Deadpool throws one of his swords, cracking the gla** of the machine. Vanessa starts being able to breathe. Cut to Angel and Colossus fighting. She begins choking him. Cut to Vanessa, who uses the sword to free herself.
FRANCIS: Fine, fists.
DEADPOOL: Sounds like your last Saturday night.
They start fighting again. Francis stabs a knife into Deadpools head. Vanessa runs up with the sword and skewers Francis. Deadpool looks up at her and hallucinates a bunch of small cartoon creatures. Francis throws Vanessa. Deadpool takes the knife out of his head. Cut back to Angel and Colossus. Negasonic uses her power to create a ma**ive explosion, causing the platform to begin to fall. Francis gets thrown off by a crate. Deadpool and Vanessa start to slide off.
DEADPOOL: I got you, baby. I got a plan, but youre not gonna like it.
He puts her in the machine. They begin dangling off the edge.
DEADPOOL: Dont worry, Im totally on top of this.
The platform begins falling down more rapidly. Colossus carries Angel and Negasonic out of the rubble.
DEADPOOL: Damn it! Maximum effort!
He flings the machine with Vanessa inside it out of the way of the platform, as the platform falls down. completely. Later, Colossus finds the machine in the rubble, with Vanessa still alive inside. Negasonic helps her out.
COLOSSUS: Just take it slow.
DEADPOOL: Yoo-hoo! Oh, my God, that was so awe -
Deadpool stands on top of some rubble nearby. Suddenly, Francis tackles him from the side, sending them tumbling down. They begin fighting. Deadpool has the upper hand, audibly breaking bones.
DEADPOOL: There are no words... Me and you... Are headed to fix this butter face.
FRANCIS: What? You stupid f**ing idiot. Did you really think there was a cure for that?
FRANCIS: You heard me.
DEADPOOL: No, no! So you mean to say, after all this, you cant fix me.
FRANCIS: It sounds a bit stupider when you say it
DEADPOOL: Like the kind of stupid who admits he cant do the one thing Im keeping him alive for?
Deadpool pulls out a gun and puts it to Franciss head.
DEADPOOL: Any last words?
FRANCIS: Whats my name?
DEADPOOL: Who f**ing cares?
COLOSSUS: Wade! Four or five moments.
DEADPOOL: Im sorry?
COLOSSUS: Four or five moments. Thats all it takes.
COLOSSUS: Be a hero. Everyone thinks its a full-time job. Wake up a hero, brush your teeth a hero, go to work a hero. Not true! Over a lifetime, there are only four or five moments that really matter. Moments when youre offered a choice. To make a sacrifice, conquer a flaw, save a friend. Spare an enemy. In these moments, everything else falls away. The way the world sees us, the way we -
Deadpool shoots Francis in the head. Colossus vomits.
DEADPOOL: You were droning on! Sure, I may be stuck looking like pepperoni flatbread, but at least f**face wont heal from that. If wearing superhero tights means sparing psychopaths, then maybe I wasnt meant to wear em. Not everyone monitors a hall like you.
COLOSSUS: Just promise -
DEADPOOL: Yeah, yeah, Ill be on the lookout for the next four moments. Now, if youll excuse me, Im just a boy about to stand in front of a girl. And tell her... What the f** am I going to tell her?
COLOSSUS: Well, heh, you better figure it out.
DEADPOOL: I cant even tell you -
Vanessa punches him.
DEADPOOL: I deserve that.
She punches him again.
DEADPOOL: That too.
She lifts her knee up. He covers his crotch.
DEADPOOL: No, no, no, no, maybe not the nethers.
VANESSA: Start talking!
DEADPOOL: Im sorry. Im so sorry. For everything. Im sorry for leaving, Im sorry for not cowboying up sooner. Its been a rough couple of years.
DEADPOOL: I live in a crack house. With a family of 12. Every night we spoon for warmth. Everyone fights for Noelle, shes the fattest. Theres nothing that we dont share. Floorspace, dental floss, even condoms.
VANESSA: So you live in a house?
DEADPOOL: I should have come and found you sooner. But baby, the guy under this mask, he aint the same one you remember.
VANESSA: You mean this mask?
She takes off his mask.
DEADPOOL: And this one.
He has a picture of Hugh Jackman stapled to his face.
DEADPOOL: And this one. In case the other fell off. Just, yeah, ow, like a bandaid, just give it a good - Audi 5000! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Are you sure?
VANESSA: Im sure.
She takes off the paper.
VANESSA: Hey, after a brief adjustment period, and a bunch of drinks, its a face Id be happy to sit on.
DEADPOOL: Im not the same underneath this suit either. Super penis.
COLOSSUS: Come on Wade, language. Young one is present.
DEADPOOL: What are... What are you still doing here? Get out of here, go make yourself useful! You, go be a really big brother to someone. Tell Beast to stop sh**ting on my lawn. And you, chicken noodle, nothing compares to you. Sinead OConnor, 1990.
NEGASONIC: Thats alright. Youre cool.
DEADPOOL: What in the a**! That was not mean! Im proud of you.
COLOSSUS: We will make an x-man of you yet, Wade.
DEADPOOL: You know, for a second there, it felt like we were three mini lion robots coming together to form one super robot.
NEGASONIC: Theres the stupid.
DEADPOOL: Yeah. And now, for the moment Ive all been waiting for.
VANESSA: Come here.
They start making out.
DEADPOOL: Wham! As promised.
They keep making out.
DEADPOOL: (Narrating) See? You dont need to be a superhero to get the girl. The right girl will bring out the hero in you. Now, lets finish this epic wide shot, pull out, there we go, looks nice, its gonna be the only thing pulling out tonight. Who doesnt love a happy ending? Till next time, this is your friendly neighborhood pool guy, saying, Im never gonna dance again, the way I dance with you...
His voice fades out.
POST-CREDITS SCENE: HALLWAY
DEADPOOL: Youre still here? Its over, go home. Oh, youre expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2. Well, we dont have that kind of money. What, are you expecting Sam Jackson to show up, with an eye patch and a saucy little leather number? Go home! Oh! But I can tell you one thing, and its a bit of a secret: Were gonna have Cable. Amazing character, mechanic arm, time travel. We have no idea who were gonna cast yet, but it could be anybody. Just need a big guy with a flat top. Mel Gibson, Dolph Lundgren, Keira Knightley. Shes got range, who knows. Big secret. Shh. Oh, and dont leave your garbage lying around. Its a total dick move. Chicka-chicka.
Date of text publication: 17.01.2021 at 14:01